There’s the world and then there’s me. As much as i enjoy knowing the people I know and love them, I still don’t feel souly connected to anyone.

I love, I socialize, sometimes I’m okay and everything feels alright but then again I feel there’s this one element I’m lacking or missing in my life. I really have no idea what it is but whenever that feeling comes it leaves a big hole in my heart.

I never really feel like I’m a part of anything once that feeling kicks in and maybe it never kicks in but somewhere in my life, I can feel it. They are just there and I’m here. I want that feeling of being absorbed into simple conversations, movies or that someone ( maybe I’ve got it and it’s just that insecurity again or maybe because I think they are gonna just leave me again like most people have done in the past..)

I’m confused by this feelings. I’m a paradox of my own self. I wanna feel that thing, but then I just never felt it or that someone inside of me refuses to feel it…. I dunno really. I’d be here and it would be there. It’s like that with almost everything and a few things just seem to break through me freely.

I feel like that with “music”, well atleast a few songs. And also most people but then the next second, I feel blank – I feel nothing and desperately long for it, even for a second. It’s like I’m a cassette player, and someone is messing with the tape, playing anything at anytime. When I don’t feel like doing something, I just don’t feel it and if I’m forced it just feels like someone’s smashing the walls of my life every single time.

I’m emotional, most people don’t think so but I’m amassed into a world of emotion, one I have been whined to understand. Even when I don’t speak I see my transfer of emotions which is sometimes weird for me especially, as a person who can hardly understand anything aside been confused and angry. It’s so hard but it’s true.

I don’t want to be angry but I think the only way my soul has found refuge is unleashing all my deepest hurts and confused state in a feet of rage. I feel like I shouldn’t be the only one feeling it, it’s wrong and selfish but it’s all me.

How weird I sympathetically care for the wicked and wrong doers, I know their actions are wrong but maybe no one ever cared to look at their sides of the story. Though I know a few still won’t find it convincing, but maybe if you’ve lived their share of pain or walked in their shoes, you’ll get a tinsy glimpse of what I see. I know it’s weird but it’s just beyond rare considering how I feel towards people close to me.

My personality is ………. Well unusual at its best. I have seasons, as does the rest of the world. Or since puberty took over. I feel like it built a prototype and it’s master in me. I remember seeing the world as flawless and huge and fun filled, quite painless as a child even in the midst of suffering, I never really bothered but now I do and alot. Most times I always cheer up, try to view things positively and reaffirm that pain never lasts forever but then again somewhere in my heart I doubt that’s even true.

I’m constantly thinking of the future, how wonderful things would turn out and then in the heat of the moment, the monster in me reminds me of my present only wanting me to see the flaws and not the things I could be grateful for.

The only feelings I felt then and now, are only ever in my head really. And how music manages to make me feel connected, it’s not the only thing. My friends, life’s drama, death, the feeling of love sometimes manages to pour out in the flesh who I really want to be. Drawing me in, feeling so good and emaced. But then it’s short lived.

Music can always be there though, lyrics playing back in my head. No electronics needed, just a jukebox of memories, fiddling with my thoughts and reliving my favourite moments and smiling and dancing all to myself. And the only one who fully understands is me, it’s only ever in my head.

No one else can sit in my head, and relax without going mad. Freak, I know but no matter how well it seems it’s awesome. People make no sense. I still find it hard understanding the opposite sex, and even my own too. I could sit down all day and watch the world go round and still wouldn’t be able to decipher how things work.

So far, with my eminent research, in and outside my tidal zone, there’s no explanation to people. People are people. But I’m still in search of an explanation. A reasoning, behind people. I’m looking for it, that something, and I know it’s there. I feel maybe if I’m able to figure this out, then not only have I found out people but maybe I’ll finally bridge the gap within my True self and the different prototypes within me and feel them.

Will understanding people ever lead to understanding myself ? I love me for me but why do I hate to be me atimes ? Why do I feel this feelings ? Why am I easily triggered ? Where does all this sudden outburst come from ? Does anyone truly understand me ? Will I ever truly feel an emotional connection to another human being ?Well I dunno but I’ll keep seeking answers. I doubt I’ll ever get it, but I’ll keep searching anyways.

So there it is. There’s the world and then, there’s ME.

Shout out to the world. In my feelings at the moment and just thought I could pin this down so one day, I can look back and say yes I did it, I learnt to understand myself and now I’m at my best.

I’m aware right now is a challenging time for us all. The world battling the coronavirus and we all differently fighting our own battles. Just needed to remind you it’s okay to be you all the time.

Would love to hear your struggles, a little word of encouragement or just something to tell someone out there who’s in there feelings as well.

Lots of love,

_Praiz_ d’ bee girl 😘😘😘😘